A revision, and looking back.

My realistic side keeps reminding me that I should stop wishing for time to pass or stop at my will. I guess I've been pretty rude to it due to the way I've been ignoring that sound advice. The present is a very complicated moment to live in, it's this tedious sort of balancing act caught in between comparisons to the past and often impractical notions of the future where the flow of time shows you your mistakes right after you've already made them.

For some reason we humans never seem to learn from these mistakes and no matter how things have resulted in the past we keep making our foolish plans and doing the same things expecting different results. That's the definition of insanity you know. It's not at all reassuring to think of where you thought you'd be in the present when you go back a few years. I was going to get emancipated or run away from home when I was 15. I was going to go to Ithacha in New York and raise hell like the kids who watched Mario Savio's speech and run for office after I got older. My major was going to be Political Science, and I was going to be an RA to help pay for school. I was going to be a comic book artist too, and maybe even write them as well, I wanted to translate stories from thoughts to images and words about a universe where everything was connected.

I was going to marry the boy I was in love with, he even picked out rings, they had celtic knots on them. He was going to be an actor. That was my last actual relationship. I think I was 20 when we broke up, I don't remember who actually ended it. It might have been me. I was going to be a radical story of success in the face of opposition. I was going to be in those history books where I learned about the Jacobins, Lenin and Che. I was going to lead the revolution. I still haven't quite gotten over that one yet. I am not the person I thought I'd be at 22 years old. No matter how many plans I make I have the perspective of one who's always ended up doing something unplanned, rejecting the perfect equations I'd drawn for myself to come up with results that simply appeared before me. I didn't get into Itacha, not even UCR for fuck's sake. My job couldn't have supported independence, I got a 2 in AP studio art and the first love became the old friend. Instead I chose a school I'd only applied to due to a suggestion from my guidance counselor, had a year of therapy to learn to coexist with my family, fell in love with history, did drugs, got tattoos and began to approach affection from an outside perspective rather then participating. Despite a relatively random sequence of events that led me to this point I am occupying in space and time I still find myself attempting to organize my future in ways that make sense following the intentions and desires I currently feel. Silly, huh? By definition I'm insane. I've started to think that it's not our mistakes that we ultimately learn from, it's our dreams, or at least the instants where we realize that they didn't come true because there never really was a chance in hell. And I think what we learn from that is that it didn't matter anyways. No amount of regret can alter the conditions of the here and now, the only way that would ever work is if you could regret a decision before you made it.

Day dreaming

What do you think about when you day dream? Do you think about money, success, sex, happiness, what you did last night, what you're going to do tonight, your dream wedding, do you surround yourself with passed memories and do you form into a complete state of nostalgia?

When I day dream, I think about my future and how amazingly beautiful its going to be. I think of the big move I'm going to make to the east coast, the weather, the leaves turning in autumn, the dinners I'll be having in DC and the nights I will spend sitting on my porch with a glass of wine while watching the sun set. I think about my first trip to Virginia and how my heart was pounding out of my chest by the time I got to the airport, and by the time my plane was landing I nearly cried when I looked out the window because I couldn't believe how absolutely stunning it was, it had me from hello.

Feel it in my bones

Sometimes life calls for a revamp. Pick your poison and go with it, you deserve it! Things may seem alittle down, or you may seem alittle out of it. Perfect perscription for this is always revamping. What I like to do is light candles, sit on my bed with the lights off and meditate. My form of meditating is praying, but of course to each his own, do what makes you happy. <3
I like to call this a revamping of the soul. If you hae the habbit of renewing your soul, your kindess and prosperity levels with soar through the roof without you even having to try. It's the way I've managed to stay content with my happiness levels as well as fight off all the negative energy that tries to knock me down.
Try this, see how it works.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two." -St. Augustine

Where The Wild Things Are

I don't understand why everytime I see the trailer for Where The Wild Things Are that I get so teary eyed. The first time I saw the trailer, I was sitting in the movie theatres with Patrick (him and I were the only people in there). The trailer came on and instant tears came to my eyes.

Where The Wild Things Are was the first book I ever read. It was magical. It made me feel like I was Max, a little boy who no one understood, who made up this magical place with his imagination. He made friends with the monsters who lived underneath his bed and went on all these crazy fucking adventures with them. What an amazing story, and I can not wait for the movie to come out!

Beauty

When I was growing up there was definitely pressure to look like all the other girls. I was 30 pounds heavier than the other girls and I had crappy fashion sense. I never wore make up and kept my very bold eastern european brow until I was in high school. I always felt like the elephant in the room because I never did anything the way that all the other girls did, and I never understood why all the other girls were wanted and I wasn't. I never understood why when growing up I had to date older guys who didn't go to my school because they had the maturity level that I needed; they saw passed the bold eye brows and the pale face and the sandy blonde, beach wavy hair.
I was alwasy envious of the girls who wore a size 0 and were 6'0" tall. The girls with the golden tans and wore makeup from MAC and JC Pennys, the girls who on somedays wore pajama pants or gym shorts to school and were still wanted by the boys; when here I am, almost everyday wearing my best outfits (well, what I thought was my best) and I wouldn't even get one boy to notice me.
Now that I'm grown and almost in my mid 20's, I can reflect on how growing up was, and seeing how silly I was being. I should've focused more on my studies than wondering why the guys didn't turn their heads when I walked by. I wish it never bothered me as much as it did, but it did.
Whenever I see women who don't wear make up now, it makes me smile. Infact, I prefer to see women without make up on because I believe the world should see their real, true beauty and not what they just bought for $100 at the sephora. Women with breakouts, blemishes, dry skin, oily skin, blond eye lashes, thick and natural eye brows; you're all beautiful! You don't need to spend a million dollars on artificial powders and creams that will just clog your pours and make your skin unbarable, you need to shine with your true beauty.

Black and White

I like to take pictures of bands and make them look aged. I am guilty of not being born in the 1970's to be blessed to have seen the 1980's punk rock era. If you ever take the time, you need to feast your eyes on the photography done from 1980's hardcore shows in D.C., California, and N.Y., it's absolutely phenominal. Timeless, crappy pictures that just look fantastic! I always try to mimic those looks whenever I photograph bands, although they don't like it, and it's more avant garde, it's quite understandable. Thinking about it, I was probably the last person to convert to digital film just because I didn't want to "make my pictures look better than what they really were", meaning I took a shitty picture, and I want it to stay shitty just because I really strived to make my photography look one of kind 1980's hardcore.